After my last session, I took an extra long walk through the woods. It was a warm, dry day during full on leaf changing season here in upstate New York, and once you have lived here for a few years, you realize that you have to take advantage of such opportunities when they arise. Besides, I knew that I had a lot to digest from my session and there is something about nature and walking that helps me to think clearly.
I was walking through the orange and yellow trees at the top of a cliff, keeping my dog from taking a suicidal leap after a squirrel, and letting my mind wander where it would when I became aware of a warm feeling filling my heart. What was causing this? It was the trust and affection that my child parts feel for Mama Bear. Slowly, I realized that this trust was very, very deep. Frankly, it surprised me; the last that I had noticed, they were still clinging to the fear that I would share too much or tell her something too horrible or somehow disgust her and drive her off.
Over the last several months, on multiple occasions, we have had conversations that went along these lines:
Me: “I am afraid that if I talk about what happened, it will be too much/I will be too much and I will drive you away.”
Mama Bear: “That just isn’t going to happen. No matter how much you try to convince me that I am going to abandon you, I am going to stick with you.”
Me: “I’m afraid that if I tell you what happened, you will judge me or be so disgusted that you won’t be able to stand me.”
Mama Bear: “There is nothing about you that disgusts me. And I can’t think of anything that you could tell me that would make me find you disgusting, and I have heard about some pretty terrible things. But you were a child and nothing that happened was your fault. Even if you had to cooperate, it still was not your fault. Children who are abused cooperate because they think that they have to, in order to survive.”
Me: “I am afraid that if I tell you what happened, there is something about hearing it that is so terrible that it will hurt you.”
Mama Bear: “It can’t hurt me. It may make me very angry, but it can’t hurt me, because it isn’t happening to me. Besides, I can take care of myself.”
Several times I went back, saying, “I know the answer to this, but one of my parts really needs to hear it, because she doesn’t believe it.” While I felt frustrated with myself about needing to ask, over and over, Mama Bear was always patient about it, and would address my fears each and every time.
But, at least for right now, all of that was gone. I finally trusted her to stick with me, no matter what I threw at her. At first it almost frightened me, because the trust was so intense and it made me feel vulnerable. But then I decided to trust the inner wisdom that was telling me that the side of me that consists of my child parts needs to unreservedly trust Mama Bear right now.
The fuller me very much trusts her to have my best interest at heart, to never intentionally harm me, to do her best to help me, and to consistently care for and respect me. However, I also understand that she is human and she will make mistakes, so it is inevitable that she will in some way at some time let me down. I also trust her and myself enough to believe that it will always be something that we can deal with.
But it seems that my kids need to trust her without worrying about those “ifs ands or buts.” They need to have someone whom they can simply trust to consistently be there in a holding way that will help all of me tolerate the pain and the terror that goes along with the horrible things that I need to share. They also need to trust her to not just want to help me, but to be able to help me and to stay with me. More than just trusting her, they need to have faith in her that she can and will help me move through this process that sometimes feels impossibly difficult.
I suspect that there is something healing that comes of being able to experience a level of trust that I did not have as a child, especially as I am dealing with the emotions and memories related to the abuse. I think that it helps to create a distinction between then and now. Then I was terrified and I was experiencing terrible things. Now, it is safe enough to share those memories with someone whom I fully trust to stay with me, to never use what I tell her to harm me, and to actively work to help me. Now is a very different reality than then.
I don’t remember trusting Mama Bear this much when I worked with her before. I might have and might not remember it, as I don’t remember so much of therapy from that time. But I really don’t think that I did. I don’t think that I was capable of trust like this at that time. In fact, I doubt that I could have imagined it yet. But the experiences that I had then, certainly formed the base for me to continue to grow my trust in her this time around.
One of my biggest surprises has been that, for some reason that I don’t fully understand, letting myself feel how much I trust her has helped to wash away some of my shame. In order to trust her so much, I also have to believe that she cares for me deeply. If someone like her cares that deeply about me, then that really does mean that I am not horrible or disgusting, but that there is something good and valuable about me.
Wow huge progress, I’m so happy for you! Keep going! xo
Thank you! This last session was a very powerful and valuable one for me. I am grateful to have a place to really think it through, because I think that the writing is helping me to process what happened during and after the session and it is sinking in more fully and from different angles than it did at the time.
It’s kind of funny, but I have almost had the sensation of holding the things that I value most from the session close to me, while I marvel over them as shiny and precious things.
It sounds like you are taking huge steps towards your healing. I think it’s great that you can relate to and understand the needs of the little ones, i fight so hard against this and if i start to think about trust, find myself pushing it away so i try not to consciously think about it. At one time i expected our support person to be perfect in every way and felt really let down when something went wrong, i realise now that this wasnt down to our support person who has only ever tried their best but it was down to me having unrealistic expectations so it sounds great that you are already able to face the fact that problems may arise at times and that you know you can work through them 🙂
Mama Bear and I have long had a very good relationship and I have seen her make mistakes and gone through moving past that multiple times. At this point, we have worked together for 10 out of the last 20 years. But this trust feels different. I’m not quite sure how, really, but it certainly feels deeper and more steady and there is a powerful sense of relief that goes with it.
Trust does take a very, very long time to establish with someone, once there has been a huge breach of trust, doesn’t it?
You are amazing, you know that? xx
Thank you, Bourbon! I’m really not feeling amazing these days, but “hearing” you say it helps me feel a little bit closer to believing it. 🙂