Anger has to be the hardest emotion for me to tolerate at this point. It certainly is the emotion that is most likely to shut me down in very short order. I suspect that I do a better job of tolerating and managing raw terror at this point. Of course, I am sure that it helps that I know that the terror is a memory and a lot of this anger is very much here and now.
This has happened more than once in session:
I will be talking about something that I am feeling strong emotions about and then suddenly everything comes to a halt…
“I’m not sure what is going on.”
“Are you angry? You look like you could be angry,” Mama Bear will gently ask.
I look inside and realize, “Yes, actually I am angry about X!” And I proceed to start to express and experience the anger.
And then from one moment to the next, “It just went poof! My anger is completely gone.”
How can anger vanish that quickly? Where did it go? It doesn’t feel like I retreat into dissociation, but rather that the anger went somewhere else. All that I know is that I am left with a sudden gap where the anger had been and I am not going to be able retrieve it at that moment.
This vanishing act doesn’t happen (or at least isn’t obvious) outside of a session, however I often will be at home and become aware of being really uncomfortable and agitated and with effort eventually figure out that I am angry. But the next questions are “who am I angry at” and “what am I angry about?” I will often get stuck at just the “who” question. Many times, I can hear a voice inside just saying over and over, “I hate him!” Which him? I have multiple possibilities for various reasons and it drives me a bit crazy that the child me just doesn’t identify who she is angry at about half the time. And even if I can figure out who I am angry at, I still need to figure out why. In some cases, it is pretty obvious what the anger is about, but in other cases, I simply can’t tell.
And then there is the question of whether this is now anger or then anger. I have pretty much concluded that when it involves people from my childhood, it is almost always a blend of now and then anger. I am so pissed right now about what happened and the fact that I am still dealing with it decades later, but I also was incredibly angry when I was a child and I couldn’t do anything with that anger, other than bury it as deep as I could. However, I have noticed that when I am completely enraged that is a good indicator that I am experiencing something that is predominantly then anger.
OK, so I have figured out who I am angry at and I have at least some sort of idea of what I am angry about, but this isn’t just anger, this is rage. I want to destroy. But I’m not that sort of a person! Is this rage going to turn me into someone like my grandfather? Am I going to become a terrible person who hurts people? Am I going to stay stuck in this state forever? And what do I actually do with this anger that is so intense that it leaves me shaking?
I remember the first time that the anger really broke through during this course of therapy was about 2 months in and my mother was about to arrive for a visit. I felt like I was going to explode with the anger, it just felt all encompassing. I couldn’t distract myself out of it, and it was so intense that I started to fear that it would never end for me. I wanted to destroy everything in the room and to hurt someone badly, so I just sat there, trying to tolerate the anger and hoping that it would eventually end. I believe that it finally did about 8 hours after it started. It was a miserable experience, however I did learn a few things from it. 1) No matter how intense it is, it is a feeling state and it will pass. 2) I can be consumed in a blinding rage and I won’t turn into a monster. 3) I won’t explode with the intensity of the anger; I really can tolerate it. It was an important step in learning that I can indeed deal with my anger.
And we haven’t even talked about anger with people I am close to now and with whom I don’t have this terrible history! In these relationships, anger has the potential to go both ways. At least I don’t have any relationships that are going to elicit huge amounts of anger, but I have a very hard time tolerating being angry with and accepting the anger of the people I love, even in small doses. I understand that it triggers in me a fear that if I express anger about normal, everyday things, then I will be abandoned, and that if someone is angry at me, it will blossom into some terrible thing. I understand it, but I can’t make it go away. But I am trying to learn to not just go into the fear, but to compare what I am afraid of to what is really going on in the situation.
Today was a long and tiring day for my daughter, husband, and me. By the time we got home, we were all a bit cranky. That’s understandable and normal, right? But I found myself starting to get uptight about it, and I needed to take myself off and talk to myself about the situation. “We are all tired and cranky. We will feel better after a good night’s sleep. This is normal. There isn’t anything dangerous going on here and I shouldn’t panic.”
Now, I understand that because of the work that I am doing right now, I am particularly vulnerable to being triggered into finding anger frightening. But at the same time, I have realized that this is an area that has always made me uncomfortable. It is an area that I need to work on, for myself, for my relationships, and because I don’t want to teach my daughter to hide from and avoid expressing anger.
After all, anger isn’t in and of itself dangerous. It’s a tool that my mind can use to alert me to problems. On an average day, it is a signal that something is happening that is making me feel very uncomfortable. It is my sign that I need to address the situation in some way. And in some cases, it is a sign that something is terribly wrong and strong action needs to be taken and it helps me to summon the energy to be able to take that action. I want for my daughter to learn that she can manage anger in a way that is useful to her.
I was just talking to my Hubby today about anger. I told him I think I have a lot buried under numbness. He said “Oh yes you do” I was a little surprised but when I thought about it, I knew he was right. I told him I’m scared to feel it in it’s fullness, as the little bits I feel are so intense it scares me. If the the little bits are intense, then just how much am I carrying and how would I be if it actually all came out.
I’m disconnected from it most of the time or numb??
It sounds like you’re doing amazing work and very aware. My hat’s off to you!
I hope you are able to get some rest. xo
Oh, I have been through periods of being incredibly afraid of the intensity of my anger, too. I forgot about that part! And I also forgot about the whole, “OK, I am enraged, now what do I DO with all of this anger?!?” Maybe I will need to expand what I have written…
I wouldn’t say “very” aware, but I am more aware than I used to be. But there are times when I feel like I need an Emotions 101 class.
I’m so glad you wrote this,I don’t feel so alone with this! Thank you. I’ll join you in that emotions 101 class!! lol
You’re welcome! And I did add to it a bit. Thanks for reminding me about those pieces.
xo
I find right now, anger in therapy is leading me straight to trauma from my past. It can be confusing, because sometimes there are things to be angry about in the present also. Very good work tolerating your own anger.
I agree that it can be very confusing, Ellen. I am working on learning how to tolerate it. It is one slow process, though!
And then there are the days like today when grief and anger get mixed up and I know that they are keeping me in turmoil inside, but it’s like there is gauze between me and my feelings.