Hooray! I am fully back in blog land as of this evening. We now have internet access. 🙂 I have missed being here.
I have spent a lot of time and effort over the last several months re-learning how to notice what I need and learning how to be more comfortable with communicating those needs. It has been a challenging task for me, but has paid off both in terms of my feeling more secure in the world in general and in the deepening of my relationships with the people I trust enough to do this with. I started out practicing this first with Mama Bear, because I knew that she wouldn’t reject me, even though inside I still feared that she would. As things have progressed, she has come through with kindness and a willingness to make sure that my needs were met that has been almost shocking to the inside me. We have talked about how there will be times when she cannot respond the way that I want, but that would not mean that there was anything wrong with my asking and I need to remember that there is no shame in asking, even if the answer is “no” or “not right now.”
I’ve actually be quite proud of myself for helping these vulnerable parts of me feel safe enough to ask for help and I felt like I was doing a good job of taking care of myself. But then I was hit by something in my last session…
At the end of each session, Mama Bear asks me something along the lines of, “What was it like for you being in this session?” I’m not sure exactly when she starting asking the question, however I would say that she has been asking some variation on it for at least the last 12 months. And each and every time she asks, I experience at least a brief moment of panic. The question is too close to one that I don’t clearly remember being asked when I was abused, but everything inside tells me that I was asked. Even briefly thinking about it right now, it makes me feel short of breath and like I need to escape. And each time, I try remind myself that it is Mama Bear who is asking the question and she does not mean anything bad by it. Sometimes I just end up being triggered and completely struggling to ground myself, but most of the time I can remain enough in the now so that I can give some sort of answer to the question. While giving a direct answer about what the experience was like is almost always beyond me, I usually can put together some comment on something that happened that was important or valuable.
After I got home from yesterday’s session, I was mulling over the session, and it suddenly hit me, I don’t have to grit my teeth and make myself endure something that is triggering for me in every session. I don’t have to adjust myself to try to get me to tolerate something that I dread each week. So I e-mailed her, explaining what happens and telling her that I would like to work with her to find a way to help all of me feel safer with her question. The good thing here is that I had to worries about her reaction even though I would have just a few months ago. She thanked me for telling her what was going on and pointed out to me that she doesn’t even need to ask that particular question at all.
Wow, it’s OK to make something that’s upsetting to me just go away, if there isn’t a compelling reason for it to be there?!? During our sessions there is so much that is difficult for me to deal with that I simply have to deal with, so it might make sense to simply not do something stressful if it can easily be dispensed with? She wants to make this as easy on me as possible, knowing just how painful it is to have to do this work week after week? Things really can be adjusted to fit me and I don’t always have to adjust myself to fit them?
In some ways, these concepts all seem so obvious, yet I was blind to them in this situation. I have forced myself to tolerate something distressing for a year, when somewhere along there it should have occurred to me that I could say something about it to Mama Bear. But I never even considered it as an option.
And this is one of the reasons why I value blogging so much, because while writing this, I have come to recognize part of what was driving my not even considering mentioning that the question was distressing to me… It feels like a young thought pattern, believing that if something is happening that is distressing/painful/hard on me then she must know that I am having that reaction. And if she is still asking me that question while knowing that it is distressing to me, then there must be some reason for her doing so that I don’t know about. I have to just trust her to do what is right for me.
Once again I was treating her like she was my mother and I didn’t even have a clue that it was going on.
And it brings into focus what a terrible dilemma I faced as a child… Either my mom didn’t notice these terrible things that were happening or she knew and she kept on sending me back to my grandfather’s house on purpose. If she was doing that, then there had to be some good reason why she was sending me back, because otherwise, my whole world would unravel. There had to be some way to understand what was going on and leave me with at least a mother to whom I could cling for safety. Even now, as an adult, I am finding it hugely difficult to develop an understanding of my mother’s actions and inactions. It is mind boggling to think about what it would have been like as a child to be in a situation that would have been incomprehensible, horrible, and completely overwhelming and how much I must have struggled to find a way to remain connected to my mother through it all.
And know that I had a mother who wanted to do well by me and very much wanted to be connected to me. Without a doubt, my mother loved me very much. But she kept on sending me back. And I was hurt over and over because she kept on sending me back. She sent me into a situation that left me afraid that I would die. Somehow, I have to find a way to accept that both aspects can be a part of the same picture, however it will never be a picture that I can understand from a personal point of view. I am not the person who my mother is. I cannot expect to make sense of how she acted in terms of thinking, “OK, I can see myself acting in the same way.” And that is something that I am going to need to ponder on for awhile…
i totally get this, i realized recently in regards to a dentist apt. that i had a right to ask for and tell them what i needed, i was absolutely shaking in my boots scared to make the call and tell them…i was afraid of how they would react, or judge…i had to tell myself it doesn’t matter, this is what i need. i made the call and although the receptionist was pretty good about it, i could feel a little “annoyance” (it could have just been my hypersensitivity too) i came out of that call feeling way less panic about the apt. and i felt as though i’d taken my power back a bit.
my “T” says we that have been abuse have be taught that it’s not safe to ask for what we need so it’s very difficult for us to do.
for me it’s terrifying! i’m so glad you had an “ah ha” moment and asked for what you need! way to go!
Hooray that you told the dentist what you needed and I am so glad that the experience turned out to be a reasonably good one, after all of your horrible experiences!
Yes, asking for what I need certainly can be terrifying, but what was interesting was that this time there was no fear there once I realized that I had the option of even saying that there was a problem. I now generally feel safe in the asking with Mama Bear, but it seems that I can still be blind to the fact that something might be going on that I should be saying that I need to change.
One of the things that Mama Bear has helped me to see this year is how much I automatically try to adjust myself to accommodate other people. It isn’t even something that I had been thinking about most of the time. Making the decision that it is OK for me to be flexible and adjust to specific circumstances is one thing, but having a self and world view that just assumes that I WILL adjust in all circumstances, no matter the cost, that is something completely different.
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wow you’re teaching me. we had to do that in our childhood to survive but we don’t have to do that now. it’s so hard like you say to even know we are let alone to change it…you’re learning some amazing and freeing stuff!!
yes i’m still scared to go to the dentist (haven’t had the apt.yet) but now i know they won’t call before a certain time in the morning (on a waiting list) and i was able to go pick up a valium prescription and take it at home before the apt. rather have to sit at the dentists office for 45 mins. waiting for it to kick in.