Life actually seems good at the moment, and I think that the shift is largely due to my doing something that I would have considered just about impossible 24 hours ago.
I have been feeling so much despair and immense amounts of pain lately. Yesterday evening, I hid in the study, crying, and feeling like I just couldn’t take anymore pain. I found myself thinking that I wished that I didn’t have my daughter, because then I wouldn’t be obligated to stay alive. I have never gotten to that point before, and all I could do was to cry and keep a hold of the knowledge that it isn’t normal for me to wish that I wasn’t alive, never mind to wish it so intensely, and to hold on to the hope that it would pass soon.
I was rather like the walking dead, but I managed to pull a simple dinner together and then I went to hide again. Suddenly, a few different pieces came together. There is a set of memories that have been coming up for at least 15 years, probably more like 20. Each and every time I have convinced myself that they could not have happened, largely based on not seeing what the motivation/reward/appeal could possibly be for my grandfather. Yesterday it clicked that if the motivation was humiliation and shame, it actually made sense and my denial that it could not have happened just crumbled.
I have never said a word about this to anyone. In fact, I have hardly been able to write about it. But last night I was torn between feeling like I couldn’t tolerate being with it alone any longer and fear that Mama Bear would either be disgusted by me or be unable to believe me.
First I wrote to her, saying pretty much what I have said here and she assured me that whatever it was, she would not be disgusted by me. Then a bit later she followed up, saying that if it would help to talk, I could give her a call.
We did talk and I managed to get out one short sentence, which conveyed all of the information that she needed to understand why this was so difficult. She assured me that she has heard of such things before and said that she was so sorry that it had happened to me. She also told me,”I can see why you didn’t want to send this to me in an e-mail. It would have driven you crazy to not hear my response, wouldn’t it? I am glad that you called me, and I think that it’s a good sign that you were able to just tell me and get it over with.”
She understood why this was so hard. She was not disgusted with me, she did not reject me, she did not think that I was a liar or that I was crazy. I had finally told someone and it had been safe to tell.
Today, I feel lighter and cleaner than I have been. I can hear what Mama Bear said rolling around in my head, “It was not your fault. What he chose to do didn’t have anything to do with you. It was all his shame. You were just trying to survive.”
I am astonished to experience how some part of me has decided that if it was safe to tell what happened and everything turned out OK from telling, then things must be different now. I must be safe now. I can feel that part of me settled into my body, curled up against me, soaking in the fact that she is truly safe, not just kind of safe. It’s almost like that part of me has woken up from a nightmare and can see the world around her now, rather than the nightmare.
I don’t know whether I will need to talk more about what happened, although I suspect that I will. There is grief and anger there that I believe needs to be expressed. But my hope is that I can keep that part of me connected to the reality of my current safety, even while talking about what happened and the difficult emotions that go along with it.
And what a huge relief it has been for me to experience a part of me accepting that I really am safe now. And not just lack of feeling in danger safe, but deeply safe. The sort of safety that you can sink into like a feather bed. A safety that almost makes me want to cry, because it usually feels so unattainable.
I am under no illusion that this will automatically translate to other parts of me, but each and every part that I can bring to safety helps me grow stronger. And for right now, I am able to just revel in managing to rescue this part of me and how differently things now feel to that part of me.
If you had asked me 24 hours ago whether I could or would tell anyone about seeming to have memories of this type of abuse, I would have told you that you were crazy to even think that it might be possible. I was so deeply convinced that absolutely no one would ever believe me and I couldn’t bear to believe myself. But once I believed myself, I desperately wanted to not be alone with it a minute longer than I had to. I needed to get that craziness and disgustingness out of me. And after last night, even the me that holds the memory can accept that it was his behavior that was crazy and disgusting and I can loosen the hold that those memories have on me.
Good work tolerating the memory and making the call to MB!
Thank you!
Cat
I remember feeling this when I was sharing some stuff with BN and I was literally just sobbing from the feelings coming up and he was soothing me with his voice (which he often did when i was really small) and he just very quietly said “It’s over now, you’re safe.” It went straight through me. I HEARD it and all of me believed it, but especially the small AG that had remained trapped in those living memories. You describe it so powerfully. I am so glad that you called Mama Bear, you deserved to speak, and to hear her response. xxx AG
Mama Bear keeps on reminding me that it is over and I am safe when I am in younger states. Sometimes it gets through more than other times. But generally there is a “Yes, but” reaction. This time there is just the knowledge at almost a physical level that I am safe, no “buts” about it.
You and that part are also now believed and validated! Yay for victories!
Indeed, yay for victories!
Well done you for sitting through those desperate feelings and reaching out to MB when you needed to and sharing something you never thought you’d be able to. It must feel like a weight has been lifted, or as you put it, cleaner. Really pleased that you were able to work it through but yes I’m sure it will need to be spoken about again but this probably means the worst part is over with xx
I will be very interested to see how this plays out because it was such a different experience for me. But even if it only deals with the shame aspect of it and it has helped me feel much better today, I will take that. It just seems to good to be true and I know that it makes my mind “hurt” to get too close to the actual memories still. But for right now, I’m not engaging in the bad stuff and I am enjoying a much deserved period of rest and renewal.
We will see what comes next… I just need to remember to not fall into the trap of expecting something bad to come up soon, because that’s the surest way to have something come up.
So pleased for you breakthrough and feeling the safety. That really is a big deal and so needed from what you have been sharing. It is amazing how much just sharing and being heard can do for our little ones. I hope you are able to maintain the peace for a while.
Thank you! It is much needed. I will admit that I find myself worrying about “how long can it last?” and “Is this too good to be true?” Time will tell, and I just keep on reminding myself to enjoy this break while I have it.