OK, I am really confused at the moment… Something has been coming up repeatedly over the last month and 1/2 or so, so I finally started to write it out and e-mail it to Mama Bear. She won’t get it until next Wednesday evening, but at least I know that I’ve told her and it won’t be pushed to the back by more pressing things again.
This is different from most things that I write to her about. This is about something that I know happened…
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This comes under the “I think that I’ve always remembered it, but I might not always have been able to access it” category for me. When I was 7, after the summer I stayed with my grandparents and before we moved to Hawaii, my dad trained in the Bay Area. We lived in an apartment there and everything was really temporary, but we had to have been there for about 4 or 5 months.
This is just about the only thing that I remember about living there. There was a group of older boys there. I’m not sure how old, not late teens, but definitely enough older to feel bigger. I have always known that it happened, “Behind the dumpsters”, but it somehow seems partially enclosed. I don’t understand that. I felt trapped. And things happened that really shouldn’t have happened. And I’m pretty sure that I was taken there more than once- I remember not feeling safe to ride my bike. But other than knowing that it involved contact, that it was disgusting to me, that the boys could get in trouble for what they were doing, and that it was frightening and I didn’t want to be there, the details were lost. I seem to have gotten some details recently, but who knows how accurate they are? And who knows what I would have been afraid would happen?
I get a sense of, “This was a very bad thing to have happened, but it wasn’t absolutely horrible.” The worst part about it is that there were boys- more than one.
Oh, my… I think that I just realized the most important thing about this… I know that this happened. I know that it was upsetting to me. And either I said something to my mother and she did nothing or she had not a clue. Whatever those boys did, it can’t have been nearly as bad as what my grandfather did, but it was at least frightening and disgusting. Bad things could happen and she did not know. OK, I did not realize that this was going to hit me.
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I spoke with some friends about it, got some much needed support, thought that I was OK, and they went off to bed. Suddenly I am not so OK with this. But I don’t understand why. Other than the bit about my mom, which is very important, there is nothing new to me here. But I am reacting to the whole thing.
I don’t think that I have ever talked with anyone about this. At first I was very, very ashamed about it. But then it didn’t seem to be worth talking about. What kind of crazy perspective is that?
I don’t think that it computed as being sexual abuse before because these were boys that weren’t all that much older than me. But I was forced to participate. I know that I did not want to be there.
Why does this feel like such a big deal to me? I have always known that it happened, even though it was tucked away in a corner of my mind. In comparison to the things that happened with my grandfather, it had to have been next to nothing.
But I’m left wondering, “How did I ever feel safe enough to step outside my front door, when I was caught near my home, doing something as innocent as riding my bike?”
And I can’t help but want to cry for that little girl. I can catch glimpses of how having it happen outside the family as well was just about enough to tear my mind apart.
(((Cat)))) no wonder you’re reeling. Calling up this memory and seeing it from an adult perspective is, I think, connecting you in a visceral way to how profoundly your parents failed to protect you. It’s one thing to not see a family member abusing you, it’s still very wrong, but comprehensible, why you would work to deny that truth about a family member. (I strongly suspect your mother was also abused by your grandfather and could not see your abuse because she could not face her own.) But these were just random kids in the neighborhood. So this was a deep confirmation that you were not safe, and in an abused child’s mind would confirm that somehow they must deserve it, because no one was stopping it. What really broke my heart was your question about what kind of crazy perspective was this, to not think it was worth talking about. That isn’t crazy, it was reasonable, based on your experience that speaking up did not help. Your grandfather’s abuse had trained you to endure this. How very horrible for you. I am sorry Cat, so sorry. But I believe your feelings are perfectly understandable. ~ AG
Thank you, AG. Your support means a lot. Right now I’m still feeling a good deal in shock about also realizing that I’ve always known that this happened, but never allowed myself to realize that it counted as something bad happening. I mean, there are just so many different ways that this is hitting me.
Yes, it’s pretty obvious that my mom acts like she was abused, huh? The grandfather who abused me was my father’s father, not her father. I do know that her older brother was quite violent and emotionally abusive to her and her parents did nothing to protect her. (Including not taking her to the doctor when he put a 6 inch gash with a butcher knife in her calf.) I also know that the family in general was dysfunctional (my mom’s cousin’s daughter is also my mom’s half sister and less than a year younger than her. The cousin was old enough to be acting as a nanny in the household, however it still is very creepy.)
Why did my mind have to pick a time when Mama Bear isn’t only out of town, but across the border into Canada and really out of contact, to put this together?
Cat, I would often make major connections when BN was out of town (I was just reading through my old journals last night about when I realized this.) For me, I think it was about the fact that on a primal, fundamental level I only truly believed I was safe when I was alone. So to allow such a threatening realization in happened when I was alone. The healing was about taking it to BN when he came in and experiencing the feelings with him as witness.
You would not have put this together if you were not ready to face these realizations (inside, on some level, you’ve known this, but have not been conscious of it). You are safe until Mama Bear gets back and you can process with her. I know it feels anything but good, but it will be ok.
Sorry about getting mixed up about your grandfather, but that makes even more sense. If your father was also abused, it might account for both of your parents being MIA about your safety.
Be gentle with yourself. I am sorry this is so painful.
Yes, I know that my father was physically and emotionally abused by his father and his mother was emotionally absent. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to grow up in the same house with that man. It must have been a nightmare. I’m glad that my dad didn’t have any sisters, although I know that doesn’t guarantee anything.
Right… I need to keep on reminding myself… I may feel miserable off an on, I may even feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I am not actually in any danger.
(((hugs))) I am sorry this happened to you. I am glad you have written to your T and that now you can address it and start the healing. Abuse does horrible things to the mind, and everything you are feeling is justified. Thinking of you, take good care of you. x
Thank you, Red… I can see that recognizing what happened for what it was is a step forward, but ugh…
Sigh. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this while Mama Bear is out of town, but I agree with AG, it must mean you’re ready to deal with it. Lots of (((hugs))), stay safe and be kind to yourself until she gets back. xoxoxo
Thank you, Chatte… I keep on thinking to myself, “But this shouldn’t be such a big deal. I’ve known that this happened!” But my understanding of the context and the meaning has changed completely and that is why I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.
Yeah, it is a pretty tough cookie to swallow, knowing that you couldn’t count on your mother or father to protect you, I feel for you dear… and I’m so pissed at your parents! I do hope you can manage to do something nice for you though. Thinking of you…
A really tough memory for you to deal with. Good for you for tolerating it. take care
You know I have had very similar experiences, and it’s not nothing. We can’t compared it too other experiences, it was bad, painful, scarey in and of itself. I’m so sorry this happened to you too. Maybe you’re just beginning to feel the hurt for the first time, I’m not sure…Sending safe hugs you’re way. I’m here if you need me. xo
I think that might be part of what is happening. I find myself wondering how I could not have considered this a big deal and wondering if I imagined remembering it before, but I don’t think so. I really don’t remember thinking about it as anything more than shameful/embarrassing/uncomfortable over the years. I didn’t think about it often at all; it’s like it was there, but tucked out of sight most of the time.
I started to talk about it to my husband today and just dissolved into tears and I am going through periods of shaking, but mostly I am calm.
I am pretty sure that details on what happened are there, but I don’t want to remember them.
This is such a weird sensation to be in shock about something that I have known happened.
i totally understand, the memories around my GF are there and i just don’t want to see it.
i also get the shock totally it happened to me in therapy a couple days ago
try taking your pointer finger and middle finger from one hand and tap the knuckle between baby finger and ring finger on the other hand, it really helps with the shock.
i’m sorry you’re remembering more and that it happened to you.
it’s good in a way that you’re feeling and dealing with it so it can then let you go!
lotsa love xo
Thanks for the tapping tip.
I need to go to bed. I know that I do, but I am afraid to… I fell asleep earlier and then woke up fighting like I was being attacked. I would sort of calm myself and then it would start again.
I really need to pull myself together. Tomorrow walking, grounding, church, dim sum, a recital that a friend is giving and hopefully seeing other friends there whom I haven’t seen since moving back. Hopefully that will help to ground me in now and get me to stop feeling like I am 7.
You know that picture that I posted a few weeks back? It had to have been taken within 2 or 3 months of what I talked about in the post.
Oh my goodness, sending hugs your way, that should never have happened to that sweet child.
I hope you enjoy your day and it’s not too overwhelming for you xo
Thanks! Didn’t make it so well through the day…
I’m sorry to hear that, how are you now?
details in my latest post…
Okay I will check it out. 🙂