Some weeks I just have to say to myself over and over, “I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to do this.” This has been one of those weeks. Or couple of weeks.
It hasn’t been all bad. I actually seem to have taken a big step forward on figuring out self soothing and support. But part of taking that step forward was to realize in a different way that I simply can’t abandon myself to the pain or fear. I have to sit with myself feeling the pain, while also doing whatever is soothing. I can’t keep on rejecting and pushing away from me the feeling parts. As a result, I believe that all of me probably is doing better, but I feel so much pain. However, I know that if I am making it through this period without thinking that it is too much for me survive or that I wish that I was dead, then I have to be moving forward.
A part of what has changed for me is that I decided to stop fighting with the rest of me. It hurts me too much to keep on saying, “I don’t believe what I am being shown/told because it is too threatening for me to believe.” When I do that, it’s like I’m telling those parts of me that they are liars or they are stupid and can’t accurately relate anything. To some extent I am saying, “Go away and shut up,” when those hurt/frightened/shattered parts of me desperately need love, comfort, stability, and to be soothed. I just can’t reject this aspect of me any more. I’m not willing to do that.
I don’t fully know what this decision means for me. But at least to start, it has involved deeply accepting that there was something about my relationship with my dad that was damaging to me. I keep on hearing over and over, “He hurt me” and I have been reassuring those young parts, “Yes, he did, but you are safe now. Feel this blanket or shawl that is wrapped around you; feel the safety, warmth, and comfort that it surrounds all of me with. I am safe now.”
Sometimes it is like I am being told that certain things happened. Right now I am taking an approach of, “Maybe that literally happened, maybe it didn’t. But for whatever reason, this part of me believes that it did. I’m not going to do anything right now other than say, ‘I understand that for some reason this feels real. Right now the most important thing is that I deeply know that I am safe now.'”
Much of the time, this keeps me from getting too caught up in the memories, but not all of the time. They still manage to suck me in some of the time. And sometimes, when they seem to make sense of body sensations that I have gotten for a very long time, it is hard to not jump to conclusions.
But my heart is breaking just from dealing with the acceptance that something about my relationship with my dad harmed me and accepting the possibility that there may have been sexual abuse. I don’t want to have been the child who was hurt that badly. I don’t want to have been the child whose mother failed her so miserably. I don’t want to have been the child who was only able to hold on to scraps of a sense of safety and who felt them slip through her fingers too often. I don’t want to have been the child that people believed that it was OK to use. I don’t want to have been the child whose body was used against her.
It’s great that I was also brave and resourceful and strong and determined to survive. But dammit, I don’t want to have been forced to be those things so young in order to survive!!! It isn’t a fair trade off. I could have learned how to be those things in ways that didn’t threaten to tear my soul apart. There is nothing that will ever make up for what happened to me.
I can go forward from here. I will have a life that I am grateful for. I will fill it with love and many of the things that were almost ground out of my soul. I am determined that I will have these things, because I have every right to create a life filled with love, beauty, creativity, nurturing, empathy, connectiveness, nature, the desire to stretch and grow and all of the other things that make life worth living for me. I will not let the sick and damaged members of my family define my life.
Yes, that is where I am going and I need to keep my eyes on the focus of that promise, but right now, I hurt. I hurt inside, in my vulnerable parts. I hurt in the greater me, because I see just how much I endured as a child. I don’t think that I can express how awful it is to accept, “Yes, things were that bad. It wasn’t just a bad dream that I will wake up from. I don’t just have an over active imagination. No, I’m not overly sensitive in a way that made me turn nothing into something huge. My family really did hurt me in a way that hurt my heart so badly that right now it feels like pieces of it are breaking off, falling to the floor, and shattering. My daddy hurt me.”
(((Cat)))) oh Cat, I understand and I am so sorry for the pain. xx AG
Thank you, AG. It means a great deal to me that other people out there really do understand. It helps me to feel less alone.
Oh how I understand, and I’m sorry you’re in such pain, I’m just sitting her with you, to let you know you’re not alone xo
Thank you…
This is such a weird spot to be in… It really hurts, but I’m not panicking about it like I usually do when it hurts this much. I am managing to keep myself from thinking about possible repercussions in regards to my dad, so I’m not falling apart over it. It just feels like I can’t fight myself about it any more. I have no conclusions about what did or didn’t happen with my dad, other than it HURT me in a very deep way and it was something that I knew was wrong.
It an awful place to be, I don’t wish it on anyone, but on a positive note, like you said another level of healing to come….I wish you were never hurt at all in any way like you’ve been. xo
Big hugs Cat its a tremendous hurt to grieve and process and takes enormous courage. I’m going through a similar process and its unbelievably brutal and cruel. You have every right to a full, beautiful, safe and meaningfully loving life xx
Thank you. We all deserve that life, don’t we?
My daughter often says, “that’s not fair” when she doesn’t like something that has happened, and I have to admit that I often think, “Oh, darling, you have NO idea what unfair is!” I am so very grateful that she will be much older before she understands just how horribly unfair life can be. I know that she will be hurt- she is human and it is a fact of life- but she won’t be so horribly hurt and betrayed by those who should be the most protective of her. That changes with this generation…
Cat I have that exact same reaction when my son is crying or whining about something. Its hard not to get irritated or feel guilty in the process. Life can be incomprehensibly unfair and its so important kids learn it gradually in an age appropriate way with parental support, emotional safety and validation.
It is such a tough experience and I often wonder if things will every improve for the part of me that was and still is horrifically traumatised.
It is a terribly difficult thing to deal with. Recently, I asked Mama Bear something along the lines of will I ever get to the point where I am able to help the most traumatized parts of me feel safe some of the time. She asked me, “Are things better than they were 10 years ago?” I realized that in some ways things are better than they were a year ago. Yes, I am more aware of the trauma than I was, but I also have more strength around it.
I really do empathize with the feeling that the trauma is so deep that it will never be resolved and maybe it won’t ever be fully resolved for either of us. But maybe we will be able to resolve it enough and build up enough resilience and strength around it that we can still live the lives that we want to. I used to dance a lot and I did some real damage to the cartilage in my knees. I tend to be in a lot of pain when I don’t take care of them and make sure that the muscle mass around the knees is sufficiently built up to provide support. This is an injury that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, but at this point it is second nature for me to take care of my knees. Every once in a while I will do something wrong and I will have to deal with a flare up of the injury and take special care of it, until the inflammation has gone down again. From what Mama Bear has said, I can hope that eventually dealing with the trauma will be something like this.
Hugs to you Cat. You do have a right to love, empathy and all good things!
Thank you…