Tonight is another night when it is well past midnight and I am up yet again. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so reluctant to go to bed at night? At the moment I am so tired that I can hardly think straight, but I still can’t get myself to turn off the computer and lights, get ready for bed, and get into bed. So you all get to be subjected to my late night ramblings, I fear.
Really, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I take a medication that makes it relatively easy for me to fall asleep most of the time, so it isn’t like I toss and turn for a long time once I go to bed.
I don’t think that I have nightmares, but then I rarely remember my dreams, so maybe I am having bad dreams and I just don’t remember them?
My bed is comfortable and there is nothing off putting about my room.
Or is there? Because I am now aware of being a bit anxious about going to bed. I think that there are two things here… 1) When I am in the process of waking up from or falling asleep into a nap, I am vulnerable to memories coming up. I think that my bed is now slightly associated with frightening memories. 2) My husband shares my bed with me. I didn’t realize that I was avoiding bed partially because of him. It isn’t like he does anything threatening. In fact, he understands that while I may want to cuddle up against him for some physical contact right after getting into bed, I can’t tolerate being touched at all while I am actually falling asleep. He has learned to not take it as a rejection when I turn my back on him and move over to my side of my bed; it’s just that I have to mentally create my own safe space in our bed, or else I will either never get to sleep or I will end up kicking and striking out defensively as I fall asleep.
I’m not going to kick him out of our bed. And most of me enjoys sleeping close to him; in fact much of the time I sleep better when he is at home in our bed as opposed to when he is out of the house for some reason when it is time to sleep. I will admit the obvious, these parts of me are nervous because sometimes I make love with my husband, and at times that still can be triggering for layers of me. So I need to find a way to reassure the nervous parts of me that it is completely safe to me to sleep in the same bed as hubby. I won’t ever wake up with him touching me at all, never mind touching me sexually. In fact he would help to keep me safe from a threat, so I am safer with him in my bed than I would be alone. Ah, those 2 things may be the keys… While I have been trying to separate past from present for these parts and convince them that my hubby is safe, however what I forgot was to not just tell myself, “he won’t hurt me,” but to think through and help those parts understand how my husband does act. He understands that being touched while I am sleeping could be highly triggering for me and he is a caring and considerate person who will act appropriately on such information. I can’t even remember the last time he touched me in my sleep- it likely was more than 20 years ago- and he isn’t likely to change how he acts after this long, when he has a better understanding of why it is so important. Also, those young parts tend to think of being alone as being safer, if I can’t be with my mother. Well, things are very different now- my mother no longer represents safety in the now, and I am safer in my bed when my husband is also in it. He is a help to me, not a threat!
There is no magic cure here, but this gives me a couple of things to work with myself on, that I hadn’t considered before.
Who else here has trouble with going to bed? What have you done to help yourself solve the problem?
Cat I have had terrible trouble going to bed of late because I come face to face with overwhelming fear, abandonment, loneliness and hopelessness. I don’t take sleep meds because I have a 15 month old and I would hate to sleep through his cries if he needed me. Its so hard isn’t it!
It IS hard! It’s something that should be so simple and so basic, and yet it becomes so complicated. 😦
I will admit that I took very low doses of Trazadone, even when my daughter was young. I would wake up to her cries (although hubby and I alternated who actually got up), but I had to be sure to get enough sleep, or else I just became unable to function, which wasn’t good for any of us.
I have trouble making myself go to bed at the moment too. I think, as you mentioned, it’s to do with that falling asleep state when memories and thoughts come to the surface easily. Sometimes I just want to put that off, and not deal with the difficult things until another day. I listen to the radio on a really low volume, or go to yoga in the evening – both of these things help me! X
It is absolutely predictable that I will startle awake at least once while falling asleep. It is so hard because a person has to let go of control, in order to fall asleep, but that control so often is keeping nasty things at bay. 😦
Again you described my life. I’m finding it almost eerie when I read what you write and it’s a page out of my own journal. Yes, yes and yes, I do what you do. I certainly connect being alone to being safe. I too, haven’t been able to get myself to go to bed despite complete exhaustion. I avoid naps because I find I wake up with such anxiety due to not knowing if my dream is reality or not when I wake. It’s a horrible way to wake up. I haven’t shared a bed with my husband for about 5 years:( I can’t feel safe enough to sette myself down. Mind you, I married the kindest, gentlest, most remarkable man under the sun. Sex is becoming a bigger problem, for I have SA memories coming up. My body is triggered by so many things and I can’t seem to get the little girl out of my bed at night. Sadly, at times, it feels as if my LG is having sex with him and the emotions that stirs up is one of wanting to die. At the moment, we’re working on safe touch and taking it very slowly…..this after 20 years of marriage. I’m completely in control of what happens and try to end things before it triggers me. Did I mention he’s a remarkable man? For now, the bed is a place I need to be alone in. I need to be able to cry when I have to, rock if necessary and rest. Processing trauma/ abuse is f*cking horrible. It comes with more pain than I ever imagined possible. As a side note….I have finally found the magic solution that allows me to sleep. Are you ready? Marijauna. That’s right, I’m back to my teenage lifestyle, except now I have to hide it from my teenager….almost humorous. But seriously, it’s been an amazing relief to be able to get some sleep. I am licensed to use it btw:-) If you lived down the street I’d share it with ya!
I am so glad that your husband is such a good man! I know how it makes all the difference in terms of making an impossible task become merely an almost impossible task.
However, I am so sorry to hear about your LG getting caught up in having sex with him. It is awful when that happens and I have so much empathy for what that is like. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I had to laugh about the Marijuana! I haven’t ever tried it, believe it or not. I have always been afraid of it. I’m also afraid of getting drunk and have only been seriously tipsy twice in my life, but never, ever to the point of losing control. I am glad that you have found something that helps, though.
I have trouble with having showers, I do every day, but there’s always an underlying anxiety going on when I have to do my morning routine. I haven’t been able to put my finger on why, I have a couple thoughts but not sure if they are the connections. Hugs friend. xo
I have a love/hate relationship with showers, myself. I have repeatedly had flashbacks in them, but I also love how the hot water helps me to release some of the muscle tension that I carry in my back.
I’m sorry that you have to start every day on an anxious note. 😦
i’m sorry they affect you too. i get the love hate thing with the shower!
It is hard isn’t it because we know we are safe but obviously parts of us inside aren’t so sure and even though we can remind and remind and remind that base fear is still there that stops us from doing what we need to do: go to bed. I have to say my bedtime routine has changed dramatically since moving out and getting a bed of my own. I know that isn’t possible for you and isn’t what you want at all but is there some other small change that might help? Sleeping with a blanket barrier, or something xx
I’m glad you have a husband who is understanding and respectful of your complex sleep needs. I’ve heard that having a relaxing pre-bed routine can help send a signal to your subconscious to get ready for sleep. That includes turning lights down at least an hour before bed and not doing things that are mentally stimulating.
I don’t have trouble going to bed. But I do have trouble sleeping without a fan on to create white noise. I sleep with my wonderful husband. He is a really kind gentle man and I don’t fear him. He also understands my limitations about sleep arrangements and doesn’t take it personally. I can’t fall sleep when he is turned facing me. I also don’t want any touching while sleeping. If we cuddle or have sex it’s always separate from sleeping time. We’ve been together for 13 years. In the last few years my ability to not be triggered when we are physically intimate has gone way down. And since I started having sex abuse memories and dreams last summer I’ve been extremely repelled by sexual touch of any sort. It’s very disturbing and scary. I’m especially stressed about how this affects my guy. I guess that’s beyond the scope of your topic.
When I do fall asleep it’s great. Only about 10% of the time do I have past abuse related anxiety and sleep disturbance. But I have a hard time staying asleep and I only average 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night. So I take a rest in the afternoons.
[…] talking to Mama Bear about something all together different (my difficulties with going to bed- see Why won’t I go to bed?), she helped me to understand that by feeling as if I need to keep my fears hidden from my husband, […]
Yes. All of you, yes. This, I understand. You are my people (*announced loudly at 12:41am*)
I hope that you were finally able to sleep soundly!