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Archive for June, 2013

I hope to return to regular posting tonight or tomorrow, but I have been trying to simply breathe my way through processing the things that I wrote about in my last two posts. For those who wrote asking for the password and didn’t receive a response from me, I apologize. I simply reached a point where I felt like I had exposed myself as much as was tolerable and any more felt like too much. It had nothing personal to do with you and everything to do with my trying to listen to and respect what felt safe to me. So much of what I am doing these days revolves around learning how to care for all of me, and this was another part of that process. I am so grateful that I am in a place in my life where I can afford to push my comfort zone, but then to listen to when I get the message that I need to step back and wrap myself in supportive comfort for awhile. Thank you for your support as I learn how to do this.

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I am about to publish my first password protected post. This was very difficult for me to write and I simply do not feel safe publishing it for the world to see. If you are a regular reader, have interacted with me, and wish to have the password, please e-mail me for it at livingwhilehealing at gmail dot com. I don’t know if I will be doing this again in the future or not, but if I do, then I will continue to use the same password.

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I’ve been kind of numb for the last couple of days and I’m not entirely sure that it’s a bad thing. I generally think numb= bad, but this isn’t entirely numb and I’m still able to be fairly present for my family. I am starting to suspect that this is a self protective “I desperately need a break” numb as opposed to an avoidant “I don’t want to have anything to do with those feelings” numb.

Like all too many survivors who are in therapy, I have a tendency to push and push and push. I can’t even begin to count the number of times Mama Bear has said, “You don’t need to work so hard all of the time. You will do better if you take a break.” Intellectually, I understand that I’m not in a life or death situation right now and I don’t need to fix everything at this moment, but parts of me inside are still in the process of learning that it is safe for me to take a break now and then.

As a result, I have been pushing non-stop since I started doing therapy again, 20 months ago, and I am just exhausted. But how do I take a break? I’m not sure how other people do it, but I am starting to suspect that this slightly numb state is a way that my mind is trying to impose a break on me. That doesn’t mean that nothing comes up; multiple times during the day I have felt something intrusive start, however I have been able to back off from whatever is intruding, ground myself, and get my insides to agree that I am better off not trying to figure out what is nibbling at the edges of my mind right now.

I have also had strong emotions start to come up over the last couple of days, but then fizzle out. I think that is largely because of a lack of emotional energy to sustain the feelings. If the battery is drained, there is no zap.

It’s probably a good time for Mama Bear to be out of town, really. I know that she would be perfectly happy to take a session or two to talk about some things in my life that are worth talking about, but don’t require nearly the amount of energy as the trauma work, but I have trouble getting myself to take a break from the trauma work. However, she isn’t here, so there was no session today- simple as that. Nothing was stirred up and I won’t be spending the next 2 or 3 days working on something in the back (or the front) or my mind. I didn’t have any choice in the matter and I’m kind of grateful that I was forced to not have a session today.

But this is ridiculous. I really need to learn how to pace myself better and not burn myself out. So I’m wondering what other people have figured out in terms of pacing and getting themselves to take breaks as they need them?

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