“The most purely painful thing about the abuse is how it has affected my relationship with my mother.”
“Yes. You know, it is your dilemma with your mother that has made everything else be so very hard to deal with over the years.” Mama Bear looked at me carefully as she chanced this sympathetic, but blunt statement.
I just nodded my head and said, “Yes, I do know.” I have known for years that I was trying to protect my mother, but I always thought of it as protecting her from the pain of not having protected me from being abused by my grandfather. I have been trying to protect far more than that, though; it’s our basic ability to have any relationship at all that feels at risk. In fact, that’s what I have been trying to protect since my dad started to abuse me, so it is the habit of most of a lifetime. And that’s why I couldn’t allow myself to believe that my dad abused me, no matter what other costs there might be. Over all, I could not “destroy” my relationship with her; never mind that if it is destroyed, it will be destroyed by the pressures of the abuse, not me.
Over the last 6 months, I have said to her as loudly as possible without actually coming out and saying the words, “I don’t want to have anything to do with my father.” I have refused to speak to him on the phone, insisted that he pass the phone to my mother, and gone to some lengths to arrange for my calls to go directly to her, rather than through him. I say nothing about him in any of my communication with her. While I did send cards and gifts for Mother’s Day and her birthday, I did not acknowledge his birthday or Father’s Day at all.
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Despite all of this, she still manages to pretend that all is well and she recently asked if she and my father could take my daughter on a trip. I her lack of reaction demonstrates to me that the only way I might get some acknowledgement from her would be if I am very blunt with her about how I feel, at least to the point of saying that I do not feel at all comfortable with my father and I do not plan on either myself or my daughter being in the same room with him again. On the other hand, she just might act like I said nothing- at this point I can’t predict the extent that she will go to in order to not acknowledge what is going on.
This is a painful situation for me now. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. Either I can accept the status quo and have no acknowledgement at all as to all of my pain and suffering, or I confront her and stand the very real chance of it all blowing up in my face. I can’t imagine a good outcome that I think has any real chance of happening. On the other hand, not saying anything is eating me up inside and complicating my healing.
Unlike what any semi healthy mother would do, she isn’t ever going to come to me and say, “obviously something is going on, talk with me.” If she was capable of it, she would have done so years ago. It’s all going to be on me to initiate and lead any discussion that we might have. And it’s going to be on me to absorb the pain when she can’t react with concern for me about my feeling that it is so impossible to have a relationship with my father. I don’t know whether she will be defensive, hurt, protective of my father, in shock, angry with me, or if she will simply act like I didn’t say anything. I am 99% certain that I will have to either take care of her, protect myself, or both. I can’t escape this dilemma without experiencing a great deal of pain where she is concerned. Pain that I have been avoiding for so very long.
At the end of me session today, it hit me that I need to know that it is ok for me to talk about the abuse with my dad. Not just the abuse that I am pretty certain happened the way that I remember it, but especially the abuse that I am terribly confused about. I need for it to be ok to talk about it from the place that believes that it happened exactly that way, but also have it understood that I have some reasons to believe that some things didn’t actually happen the way that I think that they did. I need to know that it will all be accepted and safe for me to talk about, both the believing and the not believing.
Mama Bear listened to me say this and she agreed that I need to be able to talk about these things in regards to my dad, but she also reminded me that it is very important that I be working on helping the traumatized parts feel safe and connected to the here and now. “When you talk about what happened and those parts of you don’t feel safe enough, the part of you that beats up on the rest of you gets activated. When you were a child, you absolutely could not afford to remember what was going on. That part of you kept the rest of you quiet and separate, so you could go about your business and actually manage to have a life and grow up. Now, when you talk about what happened, we need to make sure that you feel safe enough, so that part won’t come out and harm you. Keeping you terrorized will only make all of this take longer. This part is too frightened to understand that she is making things worse for you, rather than helping you now. How do you feel about what I have said?”
“It feels right. I understand better now why you keep on pushing me to defocus from the memories and place more focus on calming and soothing the traumatized parts. When things gets to be too overwhelming, it does bring out my self destructive part.”
Walking home from the session, it became increasingly clear to me just how desperately I needed to not “know” about the abuse when I was young. I had to dissociate my knowledge of what was happening, not just because the abuse acts themselves were too much to deal with, but because I was so convinced that my mom would pick my dad over me. My mom was my only sense of stability and safety in the world, so the prospect of losing her was as threatening as an obviously life and death situation.
I have remained stuck in that feeling for all of these years since: I cannot do anything that would create a situation where she might chose my father over me. Never mind that I haven’t lived with her or relied on her for financial support for over 25 years. Or that I went for a period of almost 10 years without speaking to either of my parents. Or that I am hardly speaking to her now and I am getting all of my emotional support and nurturing from other sources.
I’m unable to forget that I love her so very much and I know that she loves me. It’s hard enough feeling my love for her in the now, but I also feel that over riding child’s love, where it feels as though the sun rises and falls in my mother. She is the person I loved first in the world and she is the person whose love kept me whole enough to keep on going, even in the face of the abuse by my father and grandfather.
But something else has to give now. It can’t be my sacrificing my ability to own my own story any longer. I don’t know yet what it will be, but I do know that something has to give.
I don’t know if it’s helpful to tell you that I can relate on so many levels. Not only has my mother chosen my father over me, she’s also chosen her brother who abused me over me. She told me outright. That has opened my eyes to the fact that my mother is just as guilty of abuse by enabling. But, because as a child she was the safer person, it’s so hard to wrap my brain around now. I’m sorry for what they’ve put you through. No one deserves it.
Thank you for trusting me with this part of your blog.
I’m sorry, Zoe. I do remember from what you have said that this would be a painful topic for you as well.
I have been trying for so long to avoid a situation where she will need to make a choice between us and I now wonder if at some level she isn’t also trying to avoid making that choice. This is the most tragic part of it all, I think.
At this point in her life, I don’t even think that I want for her to make a choice. I want to have a relationship with her without any pressure to have anything to do with him. How she decides to deal with being confronted by the fact that I so strongly don’t want to have anything to do with him will be her burden to handle. I can’t figure it out for her. I can’t save her from it. I have wanted to save her the pain, but the situation is one where if I’m going to be even partially honest with her, I can’t prevent her being hurt.
Huh. Maybe I am close to being able to finally take action on this.
I did not write my book till my mother died 5 years ago, protecting her and her idea of ‘family’ and her sons. I am 61. I loved her that much even though she did not protect me.
I hated her too. Those extremes of love and hate tormented me throughout life but also matched the extremes of my struggles with outward pretense in the world and inner pain and chaos; so complicated, the many layers of emotional torment a child must cope with when touched that way and needing to grow despite the challenges.
Hi. The app only saves the 3 latest comments that need moderation, so this snuck by without my seeing it. It wasn’t intentional!
Mother issues are so very, very hard.
‘…I also feel that over riding child’s love, where it feels as though the sun rises and falls in my mother. She is the person I loved first in the world and she is the person whose love kept me whole enough to keep on going,…’
I feel like that about my father; my mother enabled her lover/friend to abuse me
.
I only this week felt a flash of anger at my father – if he had been the loving protective father I imagined him to be I would have been able to turn to him for advice. He would have seen something odd going on and intervened.
I am still trying to figure out what catastrophic consequences I believed would result from even trying to tell him. My insides curl up at the thought of going there. If I am patient the answer will come. But I hate not knowing.
These are such hard issues to grapple with the parent who was able to satisfy some of our needs and most importantly who was able to love us back, even if imperfectly. It’s heartbreaking.
There is a book written by Phyllis Chesler, “Women’s Inhumanity to
Women”. I found some of the concepts helpful in cracking the
conundrum with my mother and foster-mothers.
Just happened to notice you didn’t post my comment. Just wondered why as I reread it. Seems ok to me. Just curious.
Was that the one that went from you being able to post to suddenly not and started out, “for your eyes only”? I was puzzled by what was going on, but figured that you didn’t want for it to show up on the blog.
Nope, I didn’t write ‘for your eyes only.’ But I see my question posted ok plus now I see you were just being considerate if I had said that. Thanks for clarifying. I’m glad I asked… It’s not my intent to offend anyone and if I do I’d like to know.