It’s amazing how looking at things from a slightly different angle can sometimes give me a very different view of myself. Tonight I was thinking about a memory of something that I have always remembered and suddenly I realized that something that I always felt ashamed of wasn’t my shame at all. It was a direct result of my father’s abuse.
I have memories of being 12, at the oldest, and thinking that the men around me would want to have sex with me. One of my clearest memories of this was a time when we went to a fancy restaurant and the waiter flirted with me and asked if I wanted wine. It is true that I looked at least 14 or 15 at the time, because I was very, very tall for my age and did not act like a 12 year old.
I have always felt ashamed of my belief as a preteen and teen that so many of the men that I interacted with wanted to have sex with me. I knew that it was wrong for me to think such a thing and as I got older, I could even reason that most of them probably had no such interest. But I still had that gut level belief.
As I dealt with the sexual abuse, I realized that it had to be related to the abuse and confusion about sexual roles and sexuality in general. Somehow, though, that understanding didn’t lift the sense of guilt and that there was something wrong about me.
Tonight, I was thinking about that restaurant incident for some reason and let myself really remember what it was like being there and experiencing the interactions with the waiter. I realized that I was operating from a firm belief of my sexual attractiveness and that as such he would find me almost irresistible. It hit me: those are not the beliefs that a 12 year old would develop all on her own, particularly not back in the late 70s, growing up in a conservative military family culture. Those are the beliefs that I was burdened with when my father either explicitly or implicitly taught me that he couldn’t resist me. They come from having adult style sexual experiences as a child.
I was taught to expect for men to want to have sex with me. It wasn’t from some weakness of mine that I developed that belief.
I also realized that my reactions to boys my age were pretty age appropriate. I had “I really like being around him” crushes on a couple of boys whom I knew, but I wasn’t aware of them sexually. That was because they were boys and I hadn’t been taught to see boys that way, just men.
I think that I have felt so ashamed about it because I thought that those thoughts must mean that somewhere inside I wanted to have sex with those men. But I didn’t. The part of me that these beliefs came from is a complicated part in regards to sexuality. I think that she reacted, responded, and adapted to what I needed to do with my father. I don’t know what would have happened if any of those men had come on to me. For instance, I used to meet with my physics teacher after school sometimes. He could have tried something inappropriate, but he never did. The whole of me wasn’t interested in sex with any of these men, but the sexualized parts and particularly this part developed to respond… They saw sexual attention as valuable attention and affection; who knows what would have happened if I had responded from one of those parts. They didn’t want sex, but they certainly craved attention and affection and had been shaped to be OK with using sex to get what they needed. Fortunately, these men were all pretty decent and I never found out.
I think that my take away lesson for myself is that my relationship with my father was my over riding sexual influence until well into my marriage. Even now, it exerts a strong influence, but at least it isn’t THE influence any longer. I hate admitting that he shaped me sexually. I find it confusing and troubling that while it was a very bad thing that he shaped me, some of the outcomes themselves weren’t bad. For instance, I have a strong belief that I am sexually attractive to my husband and that he has enjoys acting on that attraction, when I am also interested. That’s a good thing to have in a marriage. These days, I just ignore the possibility that anyone else might be attracted to me, which works for me.
I wish that I could just hate and root out every influence, but it doesn’t work that way. I’m not entirely sure how it is going to work, but definitely it will involve coming to terms with the ways that I was influenced and that work for me. The side of me that wants to be able to see things in black and white is uncomfortable with this grey area. However, while there was a whole lot of bad in my relationship with my father, I suspect that there also is a lot of grey there. I just need to keep in mind that I am accepting myself and who I am, I am not saying that the abuse was in any way OK, even if some of the influences were not terrible.
I can’t thank you enough for putting this to words. You have given me courage to address these same beliefs that I have of myself with my therapist. I have felt years of confusion as to why I think that older, distinguished men, well a lot of men want to have sex with me. Perhaps I can now start working through the shame and belief that this has held me captive in a silent place. Thank you.
I am so glad that you found this helpful!
I know that writing it yesterday helped me to find compassion for the young me who had the belief forced on her that her father found her sexually irresistible. That was a terrible burden that makes sense of so many things. I have been so deeply ashamed of my innermost and most full Self, but that Self is not intrinsically shameful. It needs compassion and help healing from the burdens placed upon it.
I second that. I have always felt in my gut that older men think that I want to have sex with them, even though the idea is horrifying to me. I have never heard of this from anyone else, and have always felt like a freak because of it. Thanks for sharing.
I imagine the thought of other men finding you irresistible would have frightened you, but the fear might have been suppressed and only the thought leaked out.