A few weeks back, I had a pretty intensely disruptive session with Mama Bear. It was extremely painful and made me feel very, very rejected. For whatever reason, there seems to be a lot of that going on between other folks and their therapists these days, so I thought that I would post an email that I sent to Mama Bear as a part of trying to fix the rupture, along with some notes.
The day before the session that went so awry, I sent to Mama Bear an email some insights I had had into my dynamics with my mother. They boiled down to her being unable to tolerate seeing me when I was in severe emotional distress. In the session, I was struggling a lot to talk at all about my feelings elated to what I had written. From the outside, it looked to Mama Bear like my adult had completely vanished and the distressed child had taken over. From the inside, I could feel my adult self trying to gather around and support the young child self, but it was taking time to do so. Mama Bear decided to try being directive and firm at that point and say that the child part needed to not take over.
Frankly, I’m not exactly sure what she exactly said because I went into such a distressed dissociative state. It felt to me like I was told to shut up and go away, which I am positive she didn’t actually say. She says that she had said that the adult needed to come forward more, so that the child wasn’t all alone with the overwhelming feelings. I think that probably is what she meant, but those weren’t her actual words, because whatever she said was far more triggering. What we realized afterwards was that we had somehow fallen into reenacting exactly what I had written to her about the day before. For that young child state, it was being told all over again that she was too much when she was full of overwhelming emotion.
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to work through things the next session because I had found out the day before that I likely had skin cancer and I needed to deal with the fears and other emotions that was eliciting. I could hardly say anything at all during the next session. It was incredibly frustrating. The session after that was the day after the trip to see the dermatologist and a confirmation that while it almost certainly is skin cancer, it probably is the least serious type that isn’t lethal. (I’m still waiting on the biopsy results.) We talked about that and then started to deal with deeper therapy material again. Before that session,I had sent to her an email saying: “Hi. I think that I’m afraid to cry in front of you. So much bottled up.” For whatever reason, we didn’t end up talking about that what I had written, though. I think that we may have started to, but were side tracked by the cancer thing. I wrote the following email a day later.
Hi,
I think that the struggle that I am experiencing right now comes largely boils down to there being the me that holds an intense sense of horror, terror, and sheer wrongness over how some things with my father made me feel physically and emotionally coming up against the me who just doesn’t know what to do with the fact that my mom didn’t protect me.
It’s probably obvious from where you are sitting, but it wasn’t for me. Such a sense of a bind. It feels like either my suffering is visible and she is choosing to ignore it or it’s invisible and I don’t really exist.
An intense need to say what happened and just as strong of a need to “not know”. So I hear parts inside saying that certain things happened, I feel like a part just wants to tell you what happened, every once in a while I will start to feel as though I am experiencing a memory of something happening, and, at the same time, I’m increasingly confused about what happened.
After the session, yesterday, I realized that I had experienced just how intensely I feel that I need the support, caring, and acceptance of a safe someone in order to be able to tolerate facing what happened to me. I need it now, which makes sense, because this is intense and difficult. But even more, I needed it then. But I experienced a bind because I couldn’t figure out a way to actually get all of my needs met that it felt like like I needed to have met, so that all of me could survive.
Towards the end of the session, I had been struggling with some intense feelings and I finally realized that I felt terribly alone and isolated with her across the room. I asked her to move to sit by me, which was a difficult request given the recent conflict, but it enabled me to continue pushing forward, even though I didn’t feel our normal sort of connection.
I don’t think that I consciously sat there and thought through any of this in this way when I was growing up, but it’s the best way that I can describe it.
Whatever the exact phrasing was in that session a couple of weeks ago, it triggered the belief that my pain, my woundedness makes me dangerous, untouchable, and it was necessary to escape. I suspect that as I acted more and more weird, it affected how you responded to me and you probably responded in a way that felt more careful and less natural to me. (This isn’t a criticism, just a recognition of what the probably happened). I, of course, took that as further evidence of just how wrong things were and felt drawn even more into that place where the very existence of the hurt me was what was dangerous.
Yes, I was finding it difficult to trust you, but I didn’t think that you would intentionally hurt me. That’s not the issue here.
Buried in there, there is a primitive corner who is afraid that because you were the source of so much distress (as I experienced it) you don’t really have any warm, caring feelings for me. You didn’t care enough to make it stop.
Even more, though, it brought up the feelings that I evoked a rejection. That fragile, hurting part of me, to be precise. Even though I desperately wanted to escape, I wonder if the reason that I stayed in that state was because of how much that part needed to change things so that I felt accepted. There was my bind being acted out of needing to feel accepted where I was, but being afraid to move because I felt like the part that most needed to be accepted had been told that it was unacceptable.
Your instinct to say something about my being ok as I was was right on target, but the problem was that we were dealing with the parts of me that don’t trust words. It’s too easy just say pretty words. I wish that I had been able to ask you to come and sit by me, because it might have gotten through. But I felt like I couldn’t ask for anything that would have answered the needs of the parts of me that were at that point driving everything.
I noticed yesterday that it felt like you were kind of distant and guessed that was more about your being cautious and trying to maneuver through a series of potential land mines rather than that you wanted to be distant from me. That is why I asked you to come and sit by me.
Somehow this all tapped into the deep relational wounds. I feel like we have gone through this before, but I can also recognize that I’m dealing with it on a different level. Yippee.
C
So, the next session after that, our relationship definitely had top billing. Both she and I realized at that point that we had to work things out, if I was going to be able to freely do the work that I needed to do. It was such an intense session, spent in so many different states that I don’t clearly remember much of it. I do remember being very clear with her how much I needed for her to accepting all of my parts exactly where they are and her clarifying that she wants for my parts to share everything that they need to share, but she believes that at this point I need to be a part of the support for that part, so the part doesn’t take over, putting me into a state where I can’t recognize that I am in a safe now. She doesn’t want to see less of any of the parts, she just wants to see me there along with the parts. I let her know that sometimes I might be working under the surface, but still might be present.
And then we talked about anger. During the disaster session, a part of me had yelled at her, “I don’t trust you!” in a clearly angry voice. I was still angry with her about parts of what had happened, but I couldn’t come right out and say that. This is a very confused part of the session for me, so I don’t remember what I needed to say, I just remember the struggle. I remember a young part becoming more and more active and eventually getting to the point where I found myself hitting my leg or my head to stop myself from feeling what I was feeling. This is not normal behavior for me, at all. I don’t remember doing it more than once or twice before with her. I remember her saying, “C, you don’t need to hit yourself. I’m the one that you are angry at. It’s safe for you to be angry at me. I won’t hurt you and I won’t leave you.”
Eventually, enough of the adult me was present to start to be able to work with the situation. She asked, “Did you hit yourself as a child to control yourself?” I couldn’t even think about it and wailed back at her, “I don’t remember!” She went on, “That’s ok, I think that we can see just how important it has been for you to not allow yourself to be angry at the people you rely on.” I remember agreeing and then the rest of the session is a blur of anger and tears, but also feeling once again like I was being seen and accepted by Mama Bear.
Mama Bear and I have talked about how it sometimes is difficult to say whether the direct abuse or the emotional neglect that went on around the abuse is more damaging. I think that the emotional neglect that enables such severe trauma creates enormous relational difficulties with everyone who otherwise might be safe. In the therapeutic relationship, there is a chance to experience those dynamics in action and start to work through them, but it is staggeringly painful and difficult to stay with that work in the moment. I haven’t actually left her office mid session but I have started to gather up my things and even made it to the door once. The desire to escape can be unbelievably intense.
But the rewards for make it through what feels like sweating blood are also immense. Slowly, I am starting to be able to break through some of my self imposed isolation. I am reaching out to my husband again. In small ways, but we are making genuine connections. I am seriously considering letting him in on what is really going on for me, so we can connect more deeply. The fears around trusting him are starting to lose their grip on me. Movement towards a more genuine relationship with the person you love is worth a great deal of struggle.
It really does seem like “the relationship” has come front and center for so many people in blog-land. It’s strange how that happens, isn’t if?
I can really feel all the pain and hurt and confusion around the rejection in the session and the email you sent later. I really identify with that, because I find rejection in every thing. It’s hard. I’m glad you pushed through– I know how hard that is, and how scary. It was very brave of you. I think that the hitting of yourself when you were angry with MB really does speak to the emotional traumas of not being able to have your feelings and how hard you must have had to work as a child to bury some of those feelings.
I’m glad you shared this. I think it is always helpful to hear that others have been in these tough places and that they made it though to the other side. I also just want to say that I’m sending out good thoughts and lots of support about the skin cancer, I can imagine how scary that is and how much there is to process. Take care. Xx
Thank you, Alice. This was one of my harder sessions, that’s for sure.
It’s amazing how things can be acted out in therapy, isn’t it? The whole hitting myself thing was really embarrassing, because I knew that it was inappropriate, but I was no where near in control of what was going on.
Thanks about the cancer. I was really freaked out at first, but I also thought that it might be a different skin cancer that can be lethal at that point. It has been conformed by biopsy that it is basal cell carcinoma, which if you have cancer probably is about as benign of a cancer as you can get. It still has to be taken care of, because it can cause big problems if allowed to progress unchecked, but it won’t kill me. I just hope that I don’t end up with a whole bunch of these, but at least I now know what to look for and will be checked every 6 months.
It really is amazing the things we can act out in therapy. I hate it when i am aware of what i am doing but cant control it. It makes me grateful for good therapists who don’t make you feel more embarrassed and who can get it. 😊
I’m so glad its good– the best it can be when its cancer– news about the cancer. I can not imagine how scary, and stressful. Take care of you, hopefully you can relax a little now that the big scare is over. Xx
it sounds so intense, tough too and i am glad you guys worked through it and sorted things out. mama bear sounds kinda like our therapist in how she approaches parts work. separating out the adult part from the child parts. so happy for you though that things are better now. sorry you had the bad news of having skin cancer, sending hugs if ok. xx
Thank you! It was tough.
I will be happier about the cancer after the surgery to remove it.