Posts Tagged ‘change’

Lisa Marie Sanders Time

Lisa Marie Sanders

“I am done! I am just so done with this! No more!!”

I’ve been hearing a voice in my head say this for the last couple of months, but I haven’t been sure just what it is that I’m so done with. Therapy has been painful and exceptionally challenging, so I wondered if it meant that I was done with doing therapy. Yes, it felt related, as though I just couldn’t bear to keep on doing what I’ve been doing into the foreseeable future, I was tired of feeling beaten up emotionally. So very done with feeling all of that pain in regards to my parents, but I noticed that the voice didn’t use the word “quit.” I dreaded the sessions as much as I needed them as a life line, but I knew that I had to go, quitting wasn’t an option.

So what was that voice talking about?

I think that I’m starting to understand. I am completely done with feeling stuck under certain obligations to my parents that have controlled me my whole life. I am done with letting the limitations caused by the trauma reactions keep me from doing things that I very much want to do- keep me from seeing people who I know will help to nurture my heart. I am done with feeling like I have to stay curled up in a tight ball and not dare to breathe. I am done with letting the days slip by and not letting myself really live them, because I am too afraid of the pain. I am done with not allowing myself to fully be me, whoever she might be. I am done with living by the old rules.

I am just so sick and tired of that life. I don’t want it. And I feel as though things are opening up inside and I am slowly seeing that I don’t have to live that life.

I don’t know where I’m headed and I find that frightening. But I also feel as though I might be on the edge of stepping off on to a wonderful journey.

“I refuse to live in a box. I won’t do it for anyone.” That is what it has felt like, isn’t it? Folding myself up into a pretzel and then being walled in by a box. No more.

I know that these things wax and wane and I’m not about to jump up and turn my entire life upside down with revolutionary changes. But, yes, I agree with that voice, I am so done. I’m particularly done with the bonds that have kept me feeling trapped in a tight place with so many of the emotions and memories of when I was a child. I’m no longer that child who had no choice other than to get through the best that she could. Now it’s time to do my best to free myself from what has kept me so tightly tied to that period of my life. It’s time to allow myself to move through the pain and start to fully live in the present with a marvelous husband and heart-breakingly wonderful daughter.

From the depth of the pain that I felt today, this will not be an easy process; I’m not fooling myself. But I can also see that something different happened while I was experiencing the pain today: I both allowed myself to honestly express and fully experience my emotions and I allowed myself to not only take in and really accept acts of kindness and support from Mama Bear, but I was able to take in her intent to deliberately care for and comfort me. Sitting here now, I realize that once it was all over, I felt cleaner and freer somehow, if exhausted.

I’ll do this somehow. I’ll need the support of those who love the full me, but I’m done with staying in this place.

Read Full Post »


Today we made some announcements in our community about some big changes that are coming, so I feel like I can finally write about it openly here.  At the end of the month, my husband will be changing jobs and we will be moving to a town that is a couple of hours away.  In many, many ways, this will be a very good thing for my entire family.  Quite simply, the area that we are living in is a bad fit for us.  Part of that is because we aren’t related to anyone here- and everyone is related to everyone or married to someone who is related to everyone.  Part of it is because the people here simply have different interests and values than we do.  Part of it is because the town is just too small- less than 5,000 people.  Unfortunately, we have discovered that when you live in an environment that is sufficiently wrong for you, it eventually becomes depressing.

So now many things are going to change…  My husband has been making his own hours and largely working from home and now he will be working 8:00- 4:30 in an office environment again.  I am looking for a job to go back to work, preferable part time, but most likely full time.  This is be a big adjustment for our daughter who has gotten used to having both of us around a lot.  However, our hope is that my husband and I will be happier and have more energy and so that the time that we spend together as a family will be of better quality.

We will be moving from a huge house to a very tiny one for the short term and putting many of our things in storage in the basement while we figure out where we are going to live long term.  This means that I have to pack for a two part move in less than a month.  I hate two part moves, because you have to make multiple decisions about everything that you pick up- do I 1) donate, 2) trash, 3) put in storage, or 4) really need this item in our temporary housing.  There is no “just packing.”  OK, whine done!

I am very excited about this move, because I know that we love the place that we are moving to…  This is the area that is more home for me than anywhere else at this point.   I grew up in the military, so I living in and around this town for 12 years, means that I have lived there twice as long as anywhere else.  It is not a perfect community, but there is much that I love about it and it offers many things that my family values.  I fit with the people there and simply feel comfortable walking down the street and going into the stores in a way that I never have in the town that I currently live in.  It makes my heart sing to know that I am going home!

One very practical, immediate benefit will be that I am no longer making the 4 hour round trip drive to go to therapy!  I will be 5 minutes away from Mama Bear’s office.  I could even walk there when the weather is nice and I know that I will have the energy to make it up a steep hill afterwards.  No more worries about the weather.  No more pulling over to deal with a flashback.  No more stopping to cry.  No more worries about hitting a deer.  This makes me very happy.  🙂

Coming to the decision to make this move was not easy, however, because my husband is a minister, and this means that he will no longer be working in a church full time.  This is not a simple matter of moving from one accounting job to another, his vocation is tied into who he is in some very important ways.  The past few months have been a time of much soul searching and personal growth on both of our parts.  For my part, I have started to learn to push myself past the fear of stating what my needs and desires are, even when I fear that they may be at odds with what he needs and wants.  I am working on fully accepting that in a relationship, everyone’s needs need to be taken into account.  They can’t all always be satisfied, but they are all always valid and should be known.  And everyone needs to have their needs come first some of the time.

This really is just another facet of my learning how to be fully and authentically me.  What I have been working on in my current life has completely intertwined with what I am working on from my past.  Not the trauma part, but the relational part, which in many ways is even harder than dealing with the trauma.  Taking calculated risks in my relationship with my husband has helped me learn how to settle into myself.  As I do this, I am better able to deal with issues with my parents, freeing me up to take other risks in current day life.

So this is a very challenging time for me, with a lot of change.  But it is change that I am hopeful will lead to a lot of growth and fuller exploration of and expansion into the person whom I can be.  I will likely be writing less over the next month or so, both because Mama Bear and I are trying to keep from stirring anything up during this period of transition, and because I have an unbelievable about to do over the next 4 weeks.  However, change always stirs things up in me and creates motion, even while trying to keep things calm, so who knows what will actually happen?  You just might be hearing more from me than I think.  😉

Read Full Post »