Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘crying’

Numbness

I just feel neutral…  At least I think that I do.  Maybe it is numb.  I guess that it is a reaction to all of the emotional intensity of the last week.

I don’t know what to write.  I don’t know what to want.  I don’t know what to do.

Somehow I feel in limbo, like I am waiting for something.  As the day has progressed, it’s as if a part of my brain has become more and more frozen.  I keep on doing astoundingly spacey things today.  I start a process and think that I have finished it, when I haven’t and then I come back to unfortunate results.

Actually, I’m aware that a corner of me wants to cry and another corner wants to rage, but I have cried so much over the last two or three weeks.  I am tired of crying.  I don’t feel up to tackling where the rage would lead me.  And I can’t seem to find any other emotions inside of me right now.  At least while my daughter was awake, interacting with her brought more to me.

I know that there are things that I love to do, but I don’t want to do any of them because I feel the antithesis of creative right now.

I am so tired of wanting what I can’t have.  That is part of what I am trying not to feel…  When will I finally get it and give up wanting my mother?  The struggle to find the place where the hurt parts of me no longer try to turn to her but where I can interact with her in the here and now is such a painful one.  Sometimes I wish that I could just give up on it and if it wasn’t for my daughter, I would be seriously tempted to right now.  But she loves her grandmother and her grandmother loves her.   It would take a lot more for me to deprive my daughter of being loved by a grandmother.

So I need to keep going…  But where is the hope that usually pushes me on?  It has to be here somewhere.  Where is the certainty that somehow things will get better, even if I’m not exactly sure how or when?  Where is the fight?  The I’ll be damned if I give up- I refuse to let anything grind me down that much!  Where is the compassion for myself, the desire to help myself heal?  I think that they are hidden behind the numbness, somehow.  It’s like the numbness makes me feel kind of dead and I have to feel life in order to hope.

I feel like I need to wrap my arms around myself and remind myself that it won’t always hurt this much.  It can’t.  That there is much more for me right here in my own house, even if I am having trouble finding it at the moment.  That I don’t have to run from my emotions and I don’t have to wallow in them.  When I do a better job of letting them be, they come and go during the day.  Yes, I am tired of them coming, but eventually they will come less often.

I can do this…  I am tired, but I can do this…  Because I really want to see what life will be like on the other side.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »