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Posts Tagged ‘death’

I won’t do anything to harm myself. I feel too much responsibility for how taking my life would affect those I love, particularly my daughter. Generally I am grateful for those ties, but at other times I wish that my ending all of this struggle wouldn’t impact anyone else.

Yes, there are things about my life that are very good, even wonderful, but so often I find myself wondering, “Is anything worth suffering through what happened to me? How long will it take for me to escape the memories of it now? How long will it take for me to work past feeling trapped by what happened?”

I struggle over the question of whether I would have been better off if I had never been born. There are things that I love about life, but there has been so much that has been inexpressibly painful.

Sometimes I wish that my grandfather had just killed me like I thought that he wanted to. Maybe there would have been some sort of afterlife that was a relief, maybe it would have just been oblivion, but it would have to have been better than what was happening to me.

I don’t understand why I feel this desire for it to all be over so intensely right now. In so many ways, things have been so much better lately, but it’s like I am drowning in a sense that he will always be able to hurt me in anyway that he wants. That all I was good for was for my body to be used by my father and grandfather and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I know that I felt more hope and self power several days ago, so I’m just going to go on faith that this will pass.

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I have a part who is convinced that I was supposed to die when I was a child.  Not just that I was afraid that I was going to die, but this part is convinced that there is something wrong because I am not dead.  At one point this summer, there were a few horrible days when she seemed to be convinced that she actually was dead and no one had noticed.  And that even though I was walking around, in all of the ways that mattered, inside I really was dead, as well.

It’s really disconcerting to get this message, “But I’m supposed to be dead!  What happened?”  Fortunately, it doesn’t happen very often these days, but the more agitated I feel inside, the more likely it is to come up.

I really don’t think that this part is suicidal, because she doesn’t seem to be saying, “I should kill myself now.”  She simply is convinced that I should have died while I was still a child.

Strangely enough, I don’t associate fear with her.  Mostly she is matter of fact about it, but there does seem to be some hatred there, but it isn’t directed towards any of me.  In fact, she seems to be protective of me.  The thought seems to be, “If I am dead, then he can’t hurt me anymore.”  She doesn’t view death with horror; it seems to be safer than being alive.

I can’t help but wonder, though, if the child me at that time had an imperfect understanding of death?  Maybe this isn’t quite so awful as it seems to me now?  Or maybe I did comprehend death, because from the same time period, I also have memories of being just terrified that I was going to die.  It is so strange to have so much of me afraid that my life was in danger and doing my best to keep me alive, and then this part who seems so calm and almost seems that she would have welcomed death.   There is so much that I don’t understand here and that I may never understand…

I also don’t associate a particular memory with her.  I had never thought about this absence of memory before, but it is highly unusual for me.  I can only think of a couple of other parts that seem to not be related to a specific memory.

I’ve talked about how some parts inside of me seem to be starting to become more fluid and less separate, but not this one.  I know that she is a part of me, but it almost seems like there is an important function for her still.  I’m at a loss as to how it would be useful for part of me to think that I was supposed to die, but there must be some sort of internal logic.

Do others also have experiences where there must be some sort of internal logic, but it defies being understood from the outside?  How about parts who are convinced that you aren’t supposed to be alive?

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