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Posts Tagged ‘expressing emotions’

Artist- Thea Penna

Artist- Thea Penna

I think that a part of me is angry at Mama Bear. I’m pretty sure that she knows it too, because she keeps on asking me if I am having any reactions to her that she should know about. A few things have come up, but anger definitely isn’t one of them. Last session she went a bit further and reminded me that it’s when I don’t talk with her about my reactions to her that I have problems. I kind of wondered a time of two during the session if I wasn’t glaring at her, because my face felt like it was, but I didn’t actually feel angry. When I vaguely wondered if a part was angry, I quickly put that thought aside. Given that she was asking me to deal with my feelings about my dad and that’s just about the last thing that I want to do, I guess that it makes an odd sort of sense that at some level I would feel angry at her.

But at the same time, this sort of irrational thinking just drives me crazy. The woman is doing her job. She is doing her best to help me. She isn’t hurting me. She never has hurt me intentionally. Yes, she is pushing me in ways that are very painful, but she has no wish to cause me pain. In fact she wants to help me move forward to a place where I won’t be caught in so much pain. But in order to do that, right now she is asking me to feel feelings about my dad that I have been avoiding all of my life. So much of me is confused: “If she really cares about me, how can she ask me to do something that feels like it could tear my world apart?” The problem is that those young parts don’t yet understand that while feeling the feelings when I was a child would have torn my world apart then, feeling the feelings now will hurt like hell, my world is too solid in the present and it won’t crumble.

This all means that I get to let these young parts march into Mama Bear’s office on Wednesday and say to her, “I’ve realized that I’m angry at you because you keep on asking me to do things that hurt and frighten me. And I hate being hurt and frightened.” Then I will try to resist the urge to continue and explain that I understand the reasons that she’s doing it, that I know that she doesn’t actually want to hurt me, and that I understand that it’s a reaction that doesn’t really make sense. Instead I will wait to see how she responds. I wasn’t allowed to get angry while I was growing up, so maybe I need to express my feelings of anger now even when they don’t make sense. I need to see how reasonable people respond when they are shown a manageable amount of anger, because I simply don’t know what it should look like.

Of course, I don’t even know if I will be able to access any of that anger once I get into Mama Bear’s office! We will see what Wednesday brings…

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