That’s me right now. A triggered mess.
All of that work, all of that progress, and where does it get me? To a place where I can open up even worse material and take on that which would have completely laid waste to me a few months ago.
I should be grateful for progress and I do know that this is progress, but after a week and a half straight of being at best in a barely out of being triggered state and most of the time having real difficulties with keeping myself oriented to a safe now, I just can’t feel grateful. I’ll feel it after I’m through this phase.
Right now, I’m just searching for any bit of comfort that I can find for myself. At least it has cooled off enough that I can wrap a blanket around me and have it feel good, rather than cause me to sweat even harder. Unfortunately, when the trauma levels are this high, it becomes difficult to find things that are comforting. Cuddling with my husband helps, at least it does until some part inside gets worried about what he might “want.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter to those parts that he doesn’t want anything physical from me when he knows that I am this triggered. Hugging my daughter helps, but I am pretty strict with myself about not allowing myself to get too much comfort from her, because I don’t want for her to feel that it is her job to take care of me. I can’t seem to settle into the art for long enough for it to feel helpful. I have been reaching out to Mama Bear for bits of email contact each day, which helps, but it only goes so far. In fact, I’m simply in one of those states when nothing but the idea of being wrapped up I a blanket and held by someone who will protect me sounds good.
So I’m back to trying to give it to myself. Wrap the blanket around myself and try to find the nurturing part of me who can hold both the horribly traumatized child parts and me. It isn’t just the young parts that need comforting, I do, too. What I have taken in this past week and a half has left me horrified, appalled, disgusted, deeply saddened, and probably more emotions that I’m just not connecting to at the moment. I so much need comfort right now.
I’m so sorry.
Is there anything that smells good? Also, if it’s not hot jammies fresh out of the dryer are really great.
Take care.
Peppermint has worked for grounding until very recently when it suddenly acted as a trigger. I’ve been afraid to use it since. I often use lavender as something soothing and pleasant, but it doesn’t really serve to ground me.
Thank you for the support. 🙂
That’s really unfortunate. Take care.
It is. It was a very useful grounding tool.
Sending hugs and gentle thoughts. Xx
Thank you, Grainne. Your support is much appreciated.
Hi, Cat–I’m almost at a loss for words right now after reading of your struggle. Not many people in your place would be able or willing to keep on truckin’. You show tremendous courage! Through your writing, you show the ups and the downs of the process, and yet no matter how tough it is, you continue and don’t give up. You are amazing! My prayer is that your readers are inspired to continue through their own processes. As you have shown in previous posts, it does get better. The best rhubarb I ever made into jam had planted itself in a pile of barn scrapings; the most colorful poppies in my front yard grew in soil that I thought would never support life. Thank you for your gifts of hope and faith in the process!
Thank you, Jean. One of my motivations for writing was to show that healing isn’t a clear progression of things getting easier. Things can get harder- a lot harder- and a person can still be actively healing and getting better.
One of the ways that I get through these times is by telling myself, “It won’t stay this hard. I know that it won’t. I’ve seen it get better before and it is going to do so this time, as well.”
Do things look ok, now?
About the password, let me get past this point of feeling so under threat, ok? Once I start to feel consistently safer again, I will feel better about giving it out.
I meant to say something about it in my post because you aren’t the only person who has asked in the last little while who I am keeping waiting. It isn’t about you, it’s about feeling extremely self protective at the moment.
My heart goes out to you as you walk through this pain. I hope that you can find a measure of comfort that helps.
Thank you, Zoe. I’m working through it.
Gentle safe hugs.